so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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