i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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