Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
