Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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