i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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