Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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