Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
