So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize