Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My day in three words: secret purse cake
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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