Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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