She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I think we might need a safe word for this...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
