I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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