we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
