my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
