This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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