sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
