you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
