I think my fart just growled at me.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
