FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize