The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
