Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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