We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
