honey bunches of taint.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
