New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
