her vagine was all disorganized.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
