I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
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