First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
