Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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