I faked an abortion last night.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
