did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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