I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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