Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
