What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
