Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
