I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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