i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
