Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
