My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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