the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
