brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
