I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
