true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
