I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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