I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Randomize