Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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