My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
