My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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