Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
