oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm at about main and main street
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
