I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
