Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
