I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
