He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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