I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
