between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
