and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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